I Can’t Hear Your Cries for Raising the Minimum Wage Through My Marble Walls. You’ll Have to Speak Up.

What’s that? I’m sorry I can’t hear you through my 9-inch thick Venetian Marble walls. Did you ask when I got them? Ah, well, I had them installed last summer while I was vacationing in —

Sorry? Oh, you were saying something about raising the minimum wage! Heh, how embarrassing! Well, you shouldn’t be too embarrassed, although most people do ask when I got these beautiful barriers.

Yes, the minimum wage. Say again? Adjusted for inflation minimum wage is worth less than it was 50 years ago? Yes, I do see how that could be an issue. I mean, we can’t have incomes regressing, now can we? Unfortunately, there’s simply nothing to be done about this. You see, inflation is a complicated issue that impacts several areas of the economy. As a visualization, imagine my pool, which is also lined with Venetian marble, and me beside it inflating a new white swan floatie Jeeves got me as a birthday gift. And I’m sitting there, inflating the damn thing for an hour, blowing through the little rubber nipple, to no avail! Well, at that point I call Jeeves over for help, and he astutely notices that I’ve inadvertently poked a teeny-tiny hole right in the white swan’s neck with my riding boots. And I know what you’re thinking: “Is your butler’s name really Jeeves?” And the answer is no. I’ve long since forgotten his name and taken to simply calling him Jeeves. He doesn’t seem to mind and I -

Excuse me? Goodness it must feel like you’re yelling at a brick wall. Which you are! Except it’s not brick it’s Venetian marble. Did you say something about CEO salaries? That they’ve risen exponentially while the average worker salary has floundered? I do see your point. But we can’t all be millionaires. I certainly can. But not everyone. Some people need to learn the hard way how to pull themselves up to the top. There are no handouts here. At least not after that first one from Nana and Papa. By the way, how much did you get from your Nana and Papa? Because sometimes I get the feeling mine stiffed me. The old bags.

My dear friend, I’m sorry I couldn’t hear that last part over the clinking of our Mimosa flutes. We were just having a toast to President Reagan. As one does. But I think I was able to make out your gripe about raising the minimum wage (are we still on that?). The main issue here is that if we raise the minimum wage, companies will be forced to lay off their workers. Workers like you and — well…like you! This would especially be the case for smaller, mom ’n’ pop shops! Yes my boy, private enterprises shouldn’t be responsible for ensuring people are able to provide for themselves. That’s surely the government’s job! Except in the case of healthcare. And feeding school children. Oh, and taking care of the poor and elderly. Well, and also anything having to do with education.

But think of the mom ’n’ pop shops! Ahh, yes, dear old mom ’n’ pop. It feels like only yesterday they sat me down at our dining table, which was also Venetian marble, and gave me that million dollar loan. Speaking of, how much did your parents loan you on your 14th birthday? Sometimes I get the feeling mine stiffed me and I -

Say again? You’ll have to yell a bit now, we’ve moved into the garden. Well now, I can’t be expected to think about more than one issue at a time! Subsidies to small firms? Increased tax rates for large corporations? Complex issues such as raising the minimum wage must be discussed in a vacuum. There’s no room for muddying the waters with thoughtful webs of policy!

I do apologize, but we’ll have to continue this another day. The helicopter has just landed to take us to polo practice, and I simply can’t hear you over the whir of the rotor! Please come visit again, perhaps another day when I can hear you a bit better. Ciao!